Good Day J,
You are warmly welcomed and thank you J for your uplifting thoughts.
Dear Julia, thanks again for your thoughts. They are gold! You are absolutely right. That is the reason why I am willing to understand him in some way. His business crumbled. And I started a new career, which he saw how happy it made me. I became a bread winner. However, with all that said, I have supported him always in all of his endeavors, I never made him feel that he was not needed, etc. In fact, I always told him that I wouldn't be where I am now without him. His reply was, "no, you made it all happen. I had nothing to do with it". He even told me once, that " I was too smart for him, and that I was out of his league..." He also told me once, that " he was kind of rebelling against me". I am still trying to figure out why he feels that way. That's why when he speaks to me, I listen. I listen with both of my ears. I just want to understand. Years ago, I came to US from Europe with 300$ in my pocket. I had a vision, I had goals, I worked hard and made it happen. And I never intruded anyone’s homes to take a shower, or in any way did I disrupt someone’s family for my own needs. I studied night and day, while he played Nintendo games. And now, he is punishing me because I am who I am. Do I need to be a loser to be loved by him? Oh, and did I mention, that this woman did not have any cancers, and that she’s got family and a very big one all around her. She is a liar. And my husband believes her.
Your understanding is the key here and in all honesty I say this is benefitting yourself more than your husband right now yet it will affect your husband and the way he responds to you in this situation.
Ah yes, I do see the possible 'reasons' why this has happened. You are very astute J. I am only asking you to be open to considering what I as 'another' here not saying this is the cause . In your post you share this:
You became the bread winner. He 'lost' his bread winning ability. He was in limbo.
Now everyone, this is where things get interesting really. While we can cling and hold tightly to what we think we know we believe is the only way to believe, the evidence is in the picture we are seeing. And if we hold tightly to our current beliefs and they are not giving us what we desire to see, then it is time to take a step back and be willing to open, change your Mind and let them go. Be open to another idea. Or we will do the insanity that Einstein speaks of in trying to get a sum to balance from doing the same thing over and over again without the desired answer or results. Change the beliefs, the numbers adding or not adding up in the equation.
Even though you support him in all of his endeavors, this did not remove his sense of loss or blow to his 'manhood' pride of becoming the care giver. Truth. And I am only sharing with you here as a woman friend in understanding what I see as the observer. We, as women in our desire and nature to nurture and support our relationships tend to believe that men think the same way we do. They don't. And that is actually Divinely intended. Read again, his responses you wrote that he shared with you. He says 'no, you made it all happen. I had nothing to do with it.' And saying you were too smart for him and that you were out of his league, and, he was kind of rebelling against you. He was or rather he is rebelling 'against you' by having this affair.
You are a very strong and resilient woman J, self capable and independent, and this is a wonderful way to be. I relate to you very well. What happens and has happened is that women have taken over the responsibilities so much that without realizing this, we have removed a man's sense of being necessary to the upholding of 'his' family. I too was told these things by the men in my life, including the I don't feel like you needed me statement. This as I was showing them the door. I realized through the process, I had without my understanding taken over 'his' responsibilities as well as handling mine. It seems great in the beginning yet in the end, it isn't for either one. One gets resentment for doing 'all the work' while the other seems to 'slide' in their part of holding up the home they were building together.
How many here are familiar with women who are married and work fulltime away from home as the husband does and yet still does most of the house upkeeping? This is a very common complaint. I have yet to see a turn around in this. Hmm... perhaps something 'needs' to change in the equation.
We are naturals at balancing many hats, it is a part of the woman's nature. Men are more focused on one thing at a time. And we tend to get in the way due to our impatience and do it for them without realizing what we are saying to them in an underlying way, so, instead of 'helping' them, we end up hurting their manly pride. Truth.
No, you do not need to be a loser to be loved by him at all. This reminds me a book somewhere titled something like, 'Do I have to Lose or Hate Myself to Be Loved By You?'
We get bored being at home. Who wants to be chained to a sink and washing machine? Really. Especially day in and day out. Just another boring day at the well. I have to say here, the key is attitude. We do things for our family in the beginning because we love them and want them to be well cared for and nurtured. Having a satisfying 'job' builds our self esteem and we feel appreciated and acknowledged for our 'work'. How many women hear thank you for keeping our home in such a wonderful way, I love coming home everyday from work to be with you here? Really, ask yourself this sisters. It's rare because somewhere along the way we all (men and women) began to take one another for granted. We seem to lose our Self Respect and then it projects onto others by seeing this in our lives in the behaviour of one towards us.
We have lost the art of true appreciation for one another. And yes, I can hear the but I say thank you all time and how much I appreciate you and yet our actions and how we are doing things, may be saying or showing the opposite. Our words and actions are not adding up. It is in the art of Self observation and studying our actions, the way we are responsing, that will show you much that has gone overlooked by just being on autopilot with one another. Going throught the everyday in day to day motion without really paying attention. You now are paying attention.
I am not a believer that a woman should not ever be unfulfilled by not do fulfilling activities. I do believe that most women from personally relating with women and by viewing the articles that have been showing up, that most women would love to be able to have the best of both worlds by possibly working from their home and or to be free of working at all to have the freedom of living a peaceful and stressless life. I say most, not all. There is a balance. And of course this is for men too. How do we create a win win so we can have what is most meaningful to eachother in our seemingly very different ways of Being?
It may take total and complete honesty in calmly asking your husband specifically, how he feels about you working. Truth. And be willing to Ask Divine Wisdom before asking him this and on how to respond to him should he say something you may not want to hear. And then also trusting that a way will be revealed on how to solve this.
The affair itself is not the issue, it is the symptom of a deeper cause. This woman makes your husband feel like a man in some way. And I am not saying you are in any way not a woman. At this point, I would remove my main focus off of the 'other' woman. And as to lying here well, lying is an untruth we tell ourself and then it extends into the 'outer' picture and is seen in the behaviour of others towards us so this seems to be the hidden issue in this situation for all involved. As in we are not facing the truth in ourself somewhere. We are afraid to see it in moments. Be brave and strong by asking for a Higher Hand to hold while you take a deeper look. It will set you free I assure you.
No matter how you may have supported him, he in himself does not feel this. It has to come from him sensing this in himself and the only way this can happen is when you are living from this place within yourself. Your view will change and everything will change around you. As Talker shares often from Ghandi, 'You must be the change you wish to see.' This bears weight to the idea that we cannot change another, we can only make the change within ourself and then in Divine Order, our change of Mind, view changes how we see and look at things in our lives. Find the GOD in this lesson, the gold.
Ask Divine assistance by thanking IT for revealing the hidden message in this circumstance that will free both you and your husband in a Divine way to fully experience becoming the Woman and Man you both desire to be together as ONE.
This is what I sense flowing towards you J. I trust in someway it may assist you in revealing your message from your Higher Self. The answer is always within and ready to be revealed when we are open to hearing and acting upon it.
Much Love and Support for you today.
In Love, Wisdom and Power,
Julia
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