How should I save my marriage?

[BlondBunny]

I turn to you all to receive words of wisdom, as I am so confused and lost.

My husband is having an affair. I responded to it by crying, begging, shouting, threatening, not talking at all, being nicer than ever, and then again, crying, begging, calmly talking to him, trying to make him feel guilty, etc. I did it all. And nothing seem to work. He tells me he does not want a divorce. He wants both of us. In his mind- he sees this happening.
So like many others in my situation, I read the clues- his actions, and try to make sense of it. I analyze his behavior, and my logic tells me, that I should leave him, as his idea is absolutely unacceptable to me.  However, deep down, this tiny piece of me, still hopes, and believes that this phase he is in, will pass, and everything will be back to normal.  So my question to you all is not just what I should do, but - how do you keep your faith strong, when all you can see in your mind is the ill images of him and the mistress.  How do you block those images. How do you clear your mind so that you could focus on the outcome- that is to keep my marriage together.  Is there a secret formula, a potion, or a trick to that?

Thanks to all for your thoughts.

[Mina-Laura]

Dear Blond Bunny,

Your pain must be tremendous.

I know how you response was of such unbelief that you would have done anything to .. just find that all was just a bad dream.

I do not want to add to your burden however the sooner you know the better (at least that's how I am) - things will never be the same. He is not the same, you are not the same - nothing ever stays the same. And this is one of the greatest constants in the Universe: change. 

I can tell you for certain something though: continuing at being the being that you are right now, won't make him change his mind. You can do all the tricks in the Universe, and if you are still you, your attraction won't change one bit.

The very first and most important thing I recommend is: DO NOTIHNG.

Then, I recommend some time out. I know is the most difficult thing ever, however if you find the courage and strength to walk out, to some alone time I promise you the reward is beyond imagination.

From your first phrase you let it in on how you are not owning your emotions. Time alone will allow for you to re-find yourself. To sort out your feelings and to discover the wonderful being that you are at the core.

Sadly in relationship women loose themselves. It's in our biology.

Perhaps it's time to look at this opportunity as the golden chance to find who you really are.

Walk out meaning cutting all communication and contact, memories and so on of your past life. It won't be forever. Only until you become your own being and gain enough strength to ... not "react" to anything "your pain" related.

You have not told us if children are involved. In that case it can be a bit more tough, however the only strength required here is yours. 

This is a good resource to finding yourself:
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/  ~ to enrol to newsletters is free and  Paige's letters are wonderfully suited for women finding themselves in such situation as you are.
You will learn on how to behave with the dignity of a real woman. Then there are fragments and bits, examples of real life scenarios.

If your husband's affair is isolated, meaning that he is not a habitual womaniser, then next you must gather the courage within to figure out what the other woman has... and you don't.
When that is clear to you and you can figure a way to be that which is so alluring to him he might come back.

However in most cases when women reach this level they become aware of their own value, and in perhaps 99% of the cases they prefer to get on with their lives, and the left behind husband presents no interest anymore.

I warn you changing who you are is a new and exciting journey, and in the process you might find other men... going to bed with (even if only with the book they authored) is far more preferable to the previous  state of lowering yourself to the undeserving.

See, the thing is that you are far more than he thinks you are, and even far more than you think you are. The only problem is that you need to learn who you are.

Also a good support group in your journey is important to keeping your wits about you. We are here whenever you need strength and courage.

All the best to you.

[Mina-Laura]

More resources:

http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/index.html


and


http://www.youcangettheguy.com/ChristianCarter.htm

(I always said, if you can't beat them then join them - ... back to school can be a fun and rewarding time - the school of life, relationships, what makes it and what's REALLY important)

[zensunni7]

Hi

Welcome to the forum -

Your lucky to have Laura address this with you - The Ladies here are amazing women, so you were lead to very good company.

Been here done this - My ex cheated like most people date. So lets dispel with the mythology of men being born to be cheating pigs- equality lies more in our faults more often than attributes. Men and women are busy pointing accusing fingers to cover their own asses and impropriety's.

I know your pain is consuming - images and emotions off the charts. Cannot sleep, eat, or find any position of mind or body that is comfortable to you. As Laura said - your in reaction mode and it is powerful. Tsunamis in the mind. To end this your going to have to respond and step out of reaction, because reaction is just that- re- action, the same everyday  and every way.
But Laura was also correct about women loosing themselves in relationships, but dear Laura it is not exclusive to women. I am not a fan of marriage at all, and for this reason, each  loose themselves in different ways. Right now your husband is being an energy vampire, and both women are his hosts. He is feeding off both of you. As in all life - its all about the energy.
You are both being drained of life energies. Your feelings at present are like a person that is being starved to death - yes? Even the other woman is being drained - she just doesn't know it yet.

In this situation one keeps the other feeling they are lacking somehow, not good enough and self critical of themselves, as you are doing to yourself - what wrong with me? Nothing.
Once you accept this - you will feel the strength return, and that glimmer in your eye will appear, and you will take charge of this and not him. You will have ' had enough ' of this and it will change - very quickly.
My ex is remarried - for the fourth time, so I guess it wasn't really my deficiencies that caused her cheating -eh? The fault is his and he is deflecting it back to you. If he marries this other woman he will do the same to her until he realizes it is his nature to do so, not by birth - but by choice. It is hard to accept this but it is what it is. As long as you allow him to treat you like this - he will.
One morning my ex came home from ' work ' to find four suit cases in the drive way -
" Whats this about ? "
" It is about you leaving - you will do what you want to with your life, but not mine anymore - this is  me saying I have had enough of you and all of this. '' That was me saying i respect myself again, and this is your crap - not mine.
I had five children - and did this to their mother. Because I finally responded, not reacted. Reactions can always be manipulated and used to manipulate you. It felt great to do this and my strength returned that instant.

Most marriages end over this struggle for energy control, one dominating over the other. Drama feeds the vampire. Once you set the boundaries and the limits yo will accept - then you can save your marriage - or let it go- but it will be your choice. You will get the vampire off your neck. They hate it when your strong. The energy becomes toxic to them.
You have instant friends and support here - we will not coddle you with the truth, but we will care sincerely and offer advice from our own experiences, but the action remains yours to do.
Listen to the Ladies that will talk to you here, they know of what they speak and they know your equally as strong as them - or you would not be here.
God dropped you into very capable hands.

[BlondBunny]

Words cannot express how grateful I am for your replies, Laura and Zensunni7. You guys are right about many things. I understand that if I let him do this to me, he will continue doing it.  Yes, I do have a child ( who is 3), and it makes things a bit complicated. Even though I packed his bags and told him to leave, he left ( stays with her now), but he keeps coming back as this this is still his home. And I can't prevent that from happening.  I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why do I care about this loser?  His own sister told me that I have everything going for me. I was happy. And then one day, bam.... 10 years of perfect marriage ( at least I thought it was) was gone.  I still cannot believe this is happening.
The truth is that as crazy as this sounds, I feel sorry for him. I know that he will go down if he lets go of me. And I know that one day he is going to realize that.  And if I make any drastic moves, I need to be sure beyond the shadow of the doubt, that I am ready to move on.  At the same time, I know that nothing is going to change, unless I change.
Zensunni7, you're so right about him being an energy vampire. He said that himself, that he needs us both. Sometimes he seems like a teenager in love, and I am his " mother" figure. He wants to share his "love" story with me, he even wants me to let her come in our home. This very thought sickens every cell in my body.  In fact, some time ago, when she got fired from the job ( that' s where they met), and then got evicted from her apartment, she lived in her truck. Every morning, when I left to go to work, she came into my home to take a bath; she would even rearrange stuff in my closet, bathroom, and kitchen. The first time she was there, moment I walked in the door, I knew something was wrong. I felt the energy. It felt like my entire house was poisoned. I just did not know what it was, until I started picking up her hair off my bathroom floor.  And of course, my husband is the one to blame. He allowed this to happen.  
Even after all of this, I still feel sorry for him.
So how do I protect myself, because it seems like he is sucking the energy from me even from the distance.  I cleaned my house like a crazy person, but I still feel the poison she planted….
I don’t know why and how I came across Adrian’s book, and then the forum, but I must say- there is something special about you all. The serenity, peace, love is overflowing. I am soooooooo grateful to have found you all.
 

[Mina-Laura]

Dear BlondBunny,

You are never alone.

From your latest post I can see your great compassion level, and your soul instinctual drive to understand what is happening.

Also from what you describe the co-dependence profile starts to come through. You have enjoyed 10 years of "so thought about" perfect marriage, YET your ex never had the opportunity to grow up. This frequently happens when we take the role of caregivers for our spouses. It happened to me, it happened to Darrell and to the vast majority of relationships out there - make no mistake.

Now, in turn, your ex is taking the role of caregiver to that woman. This is so engrained in him as it's the only thing he knows. I.e. "I am a wonderful being IF I help another which is in a pitiful state."
If you think about it.... your ex in his new love relationship has the opportunity to be at the 'giving' end....thus this makes him feel worthy, powerful .. a feeling he never got to experience with you because of your way to giving attitude.

In a harmonious relationship both partners are at the giving-receiving end. Giving-receiving.... If you are the giver, then you have to become aware of offering the opportunity to the other to also be a giver therefore gain the feeling of worthiness in the relationship.

It is in many of us the trait of giving and giving to no end. As hard as it comes to believe this constant giving - at some point - brings resentment in both receiver and giver.
At stake is this constant of the Universe, in that which we come here to EARN the gifts bestowed.

If this 'earning mechanism' is not provided - i.e. the spouse is not made to work at having the wonderful relationship and feel that he brought his rightful and equal contributions to the whole he/she will seek this opportunity to assert himself in other circumstances (the easiest comes as a love affair).
And this need, to assert himself, to prove that he is the strong one, the worthy one, can become so strong with a total disregard to the pain left behind, to the hurt caused to you and your child.  
In his subconscious he is so justified in his actions that he expects you to understand him.
As hard as it appears this is an archetypal programming we all have at our core.

The human psyche is one of the most convoluted - however with constant adherence to the desire to want to know, understanding dawns on us eventually.  

Your ex does not require nor need your pity. He only requires understanding.
Understanding him - does NOT equal condoning of his actions.  

Understanding him only sheds light into what you failed to see, produce, allow insofar. Pitying him and seeing him helpless without you is only a watering to your Ego. A true spiritual person desires what's best for the other, and prays to the Universe that the other shall be provided the lessons he failed to learn so far. This is the essence of true forgiveness, and without it your resentment will only increase, and you will only be harming yourself.

You are truly a whole person only when all the silver cords are cut - between you and your feelings on how the other is or should or should not be.

Having said this as hard as it sounds one day we have to face on how we contributed to the drama unfolding in our lives.

As one spiritual understanding deepens we come to see very clearly that everything we experience outside is what we really are inside.
Truly, I say to you,  relationships are our best mirrors.

To not repeat the drama unfolded this lesson needs be learned once and for all. You do not want another man next in your life, to serve as his mother figure he never had. You do not want your child to learn same behavioural lessons.

So how do I protect myself, because it seems like he is sucking the energy from me even from the distance.  I cleaned my house like a crazy person, but I still feel the poison she planted….
I don’t know why and how I came across Adrian’s book, and then the forum, but I must say- there is something special about you all. The serenity, peace, love is overflowing. I am soooooooo grateful to have found you all.
 

You can only protect yourself by increasing your knowledge and deepening your understanding. Of yourself that is - because as you come to see yourself as you really are, you shall also come to see him as he is and as to what he brought in for you.

On a practical level I suggest changing the locks, perhaps moving residence if possible, changing your telephone number and working every day at your spiritual and knowledge enrichment.

Before spiritual cord can be cut, physical distancing is highly recommended especially in your weakened state.  Even if you don't admit to yourself, secretly and indirectly you still seek gratification from him. That needs to stop.

As your journey has only started I wish you all the best and strength and energy in continuing on this path.  Adrian book, web-site and newsletters are a good start - I can vouch for as I have been there myself. (And with 3 children).




As your journey has only started I wish you all the best and strength and energy in continuing on this path.  

[juliainkc]

Hello Dear Blond Bunny,

A warm welcome to the forums. Laura and Darrell wow, I love the inter~relating going on here. We see two amazing Beings giving their unique perspectives and how well they flow together. Namaste Beloved Sister and Brother.

Blond Bunny, just adding some croutons to the salad here in the mix. I would only share that I have found that any relationship begun in deception (as in your husband and 'friend') usually ends in deception. It will permeate the relationship even should they stay together, there will be a root of distrust. And I have also found that whatever we cannot forgive in another, we eventually become ourselves. As in bitter, disillusioned, trapped in emotions that do not serve us nor validates the I Am Being we are. We get stuck at the cost of something that is no longer.

In the beginning of these kinds of situations, I say pour out you genuine feelings in a journal or however way suits you. It will be a wonderful way of observing how you have moved through it when you read it and say, wow, I remember how I felt then and I am so over it now. I don't need this any more. Burn, flush, shred, gone back into the soil to add to the Insights gained in my life experience.

As to the feeling of the poisoned energy, I relate so well to this. You are Energy sensate. What I did first when I packed my ex's stuff like Darrell, is get rid of the bed. Truth. I said, I will sleep on the sofa until I can get a new bed. And then I began in baby steps to remove the things that we shared in our once together life. The photos I boxed and gave to my children so they could go through them and keep what spoke to them.

The decision to walk away from my marriage was in part due to having two daughters and I felt this would influence their choices based on ideas of what a marriage was as they became women. I had many opportunities to 'play the field' too and chose to remain true to myself, not because my ex deserved it. He had nothing to do with my choices which I realized more as I walked farther away from this experience in my life.
 
Her rearranging your stuff is violating to 'your' space even under the guise of 'helping'. Like a bird attempting to take over another birds nest. Build your own nest, you have the ability. That's compassion. Feeling sorry is to take them in and 'take care' of them for them.

The feeling sorry for him is understandable in the beginning. I moved from this to compassion as in no longer wanting to 'rescue' a struggling soul, whom expected me to take care of their stuff while ignoring mine. I came to see and understand that just as Source was looking out for me in me, the same was true for my ex and I had to get on with the living of my life or forever be absent from it by being involved in another's and so would miss mine and my purpose to be accomplished here. It's like leaving your house to take of another's and not ever being in your own space.

I posted a wonderful synchronistic article I read today in the Words that touched my Soul thread here that offers some practical ways to get to the root of why we 'feel' unprotected and how to get to the Heart of the matter and set your Soul free.

Much Love to you as this is the valley of the experience where all the poo flows yet it also brings forth, the Highest Quality fruit.

Trusting in the Highest Good in this situation for all involved that leads to yours and all involved Highest Outcome.

Many Blessings, Be Well,
Love in Spirit,
Julia
 

[Mina-Laura]

Dear Julia and BlondBunny,


Well said Julia. Here is an enlightening piece for all of us:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZT9EXfwHS8


Parts 1, 2, 3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F57qFfi1obw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJMfZn9_Kp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZT9EXfwHS8

[mgc1173]

I too was with a woman for ten years that eventually felt she was entitled to roam.  Seems we all went through the same course of emotions.  We have four children together, it has been hard for all of them, they are still in counceling, a blessing in disguise.  Imagine what weakness I would have tought them had I stayed. 
We have been separate for six years now, four of which I have been remarried to a beautiful woman who couldn't dream of hurting me or anyone for that matter.
Sometimes I catch myself looking back, wondering, then I just remember her flipping me off to go see her boyfriend and it subsides.  In the end she did me a favor, I found myself, granted I was laying there crying like a baby, but look at me now.  Only my mom recognizes me, physically and spiritually.  I actually have to thank her for everything, it happened exactly as it needed for both of us to grow, she is in a better place now too. Good Luck to you both.

[BlondBunny]

Thank you all again for replying to my post.  I am so grateful I have discovered this place. It's been entire week and I have not shead a tear. There is this inner peace in me that I cannot explain, and it is all because I have finally realized the truth about who we all are and our purpose.
Back to the issue of my wayward spouse. It seems those of you who have been in my situation have moved on with your lives and never looked back. Logically, it seems I should be doing that too. On the other hand, sometimes I find myself thinking, why should I not fight for my marriage. Why should I let somebody take our blessing, a blessing that lasted 10 years, away... This girl told my husband that she had a breast cancer, then a stomach cancer, then something removed off of her ovaries, etc. My husband honestly believes that she may not live another year. He told me once that he feels this " need" to help her, as she has noone else. In fact, when she lost her job, and then the apartment, she lived in her truck for 2 months ( coming to shower at my home when I left for work).  My husband begged me to " let her stay" on our couch.   There was one night, when he woke me up begging to let her stay inside the house, as it was so hot outside, and mosquitoes were getting them. I was so much in pain ( mental) that I just let it all happen. I turned away and went back to sleep. I said nothing. So he took it for a" yes"... She was gone when I woke up, though.
So I see my husband now as a " care-giver" and I wonder if this is all there is to it.  He also told me she's been on a back luck type of thing forever, and we could help her change that.... He told me I am as solid as a rock, I am " his wife", and that he would not even entertain the idea of leaving me. But she is " a lost kitten" who desperately needs help and guidance.  He told her that " he loves me"...... but I do believe that he said that " he loves her" too.... So, here it is. He loves us both. Or does he? Am I so naive to believe that?  The other day, I had pictures taken at work, and when I came home, I just left them on the counter. He actually cut one picture out and took it with him. Left a note, that I was " soooo beautiful" and " he loves me".  He calls me everyday, and tells me “ he loves me”, and every chance he gets, he wants to sleep with me. ( I know this is a mistake I am doing).   And yet, he does not return home… he stays with her.
I know that actions always speak louder than words, but at the some time, I also know, that he is being honest. He loves both of us….
Deep down, I want to believe that he will get tired of being a care- giver, and he will get his sanity back. I know things would never be the same, but I also believe that a broken bone CAN heal, and ever be stronger.
As I moved my focus away from him to self- discovery, I am realizing that I can forgive him, and I understand him more than he does himself. I know him. I know his moves before he even makes them.
So I set a time limit. If he does not come out of this fog by the time my set days are over, I am going to break free from him. That is my promise to myself. Until then, I pray and hope for the best. I know I will be OK.
Adrian’s book and you guys have changed my life.  I will forever be grateful. Thanks again for listening to me vent.  Any words of wisdom and truth- the truth I am not seeing, will be appreciated. 
With love, J.

[juliainkc]

Dear J,

I for one deeply appreciate your honesty of expression here. I would print out your last post here for yourself as in sharing from your Heart's desire. It is right in here. Your decrees or affirmations can be designed from your thoughts here to manifest your Heart's desires.

In your situation I am only sharing as a woman friend would with you what I observe. Yes, you can heal your marriage if this is your Heart's truest desire and I do understand about the 10 years of life shared. I would say here, it is not so much with an attitude about fighting to save your marriage, it is about restoring your marriage to a Sacred Intimacy of Integrity, which as your husband's wife is your rightful position. No strangers in the bed agreement as I do believe if the roles were reversed here, your husband would not be as willing to turn a blind eye. He would feel his rights of marriage to you were being violated as well.

Now, I do understand your husband's way of seeing it from the helping her out position. This is where men and women can take their stand offs and turn them around and appreciate the 'difference of opinions or view' and see them as balancing one another, complimenting one another. Forgive everyone if what I share creates 'resistance' here. This is about the seeming differences. Fighting against them does not work obviously. Where is middle or level ground here? Peaceful dwelling?

A man of maturity feels responsible and naturally feels his manness in providing and protecting his family. He receives his sense of virility and power by taking care of his family. It makes him feel needed, necessary for the well-being of his family. This woman seems 'helpless' and without anyone to care for her. This actually speaks of some of your husband's strong qualities and virtues even though he is exhibiting them 'outside' the bounds of Sacred Union in an opposite manner. It's all in perspective here in what is the 'message' in the lesson or circumstance.

Just going with the flow~ somewhere in your marriage he has been made to feel in himself a lack of being 'needed'. So, this was going on before this event actually took place. It just took an event like this to reveal the 'issue'. Sometimes when we have been married for years we miss these 'lessons' because we are in the thick of it and not taking the 'time' to get alone and step back when we are sensing the loss of something in the relationship.

And then we press the other for the answer. They not desiring to hurt you or you them, say everything is fine or we use something else as a cover to 'protect' ourself and them from feelings we or they may have that may lead to 'abandonment' when in reality it creates an underlying sensing of distrust due to dishonest and closed communication between the two. No one wants to feel vulnerable to another yet this is what it takes to have an open and honest relationship. And I wish to add we can also speak our true feelings of hurt in a very unloving manner, screaming and fighting which only shuts the door on communication.

This is where the role playing becomes very interesting. I have much more to share with you however due to the length of flow that comes through I am being asked to invite you to private email me and I will share more with you without taking up space here in the forums.

What I will say to you is yes, you can absolutely restore your marriage and InJoy it moreso than ever if this is your absolute and genuine desire to do so. It will take having a change of Heart and being open minded to do some things differently as the way things are being done by both of you are resulting in your current situation.

You are on the right track for yourself J and I do deeply sense this in your post. There is indeed a way.

Again, thank you for sharing and InJoy this day,

In the Love of Spirit,

Julia

[Talker]

Dear BlondBunny,

Lovingly, there are words shared here by, mgc1173, Julia, Darrell and Laura, that should prove of value.
May you find the peace and understanding sought,

Reading your words here, brought to mind a story.

I know that actions always speak louder than words, but at the some time, I also know, that he is being honest. He loves both of us….

I recall a story that I had read long ago, Not sure, but was a 'Dear Abby' type column. Most of the details are blurry, but the ending it what I recall strongest.
Seems this married man had an affair with a younger woman. While this all was unfolding, the husband passes away.
The wife is devastated, and heartbroken.
One day  the wife is walking into the cemetery to visit the husbands grave site. As she nears the grave site, she observes a woman kneeling in prayer at that husbands grave. Many emotions arise, anger and hate, as the wife feels this woman was her deceased husbands  mistress. She came closer and stood silently along side of the woman, who was shedding tears and sobbing. The wife realizes that this sobbing woman was the husbands mistress. Gently the wife inquires 'Did you love him!'.  The woman relates how much she had loved the man. As they talked a bond of sorts, developed between the two and they became friends who visited each other, and shared stories of the husband.

At the time, when I had read that story, I was touched by the way the wife's  written words to the columnist, had expressed love of the husband, the other woman, and the friendship that ensued. That reading became a project for me. Is it possable for a male or female, to seriously love two persons at the same time, while married or otherwise! The complexities of it are hard to understand, but have seen how it can happen.
Still sorting it all out.
One day hope to be able to write more on that subject.
Be Well

[juliainkc]

Beloved Talker,

Ah, this subject has a tendency to bring forth such deep deep and sometimes unexpressable emotions within us as male and female. And this is a beautiful story you share from Dear Abby. This shows how through ones deepest pain ones Love and Joy are hiding as in in there just waiting for the moment to rise forth.

In observing this story, I see something deeper, forgive Julia, Talker, it is the flow I feel rising and I Am only sharing from being open to IT.

I see a man whom loved two women yet within these two women there was a bond a Oneness. So, in metaphorical meaning two sides of One woman. A shared likeness foundationally which is why he chose these women.

In the history of our planet most have been privy to the man having more than one woman. A wife whom bore seed to keep the bloodlines pure and then the woman or women to fill other 'needs'. Mistresses usually were not entitled to bear the man's seed. What was the difference here in the roles these women played in a man's life?

Society's rules. There was a point in our history in the 1700's when the 'walls' began to come down between a man's wife and his courtesan's roles. The courtesan's were desiring to have the right to be the man whose company they kept, his wife to bear his name and possibly his children.

We see this has not necessarily been highly accepted as a practive and has continued to drive a wedge between genders and within genders.

I made the effort to observe and study throughout the years the what's , how's and why's of relationships between men and women and of course in understanding the natures of both and what created for some a highly successful long lasting Love of a Lifetime relationship. 

I have been privy to and shared in deep conversations with men and found that they really do desire to have one woman who could fulfill both roles in one. Less complications. Not all men are this way though. And not all women desire to be all things to a man. Most men whom are married really do love their wives and do feel a sense of guilt when taking up with another women who creates the whole.

I have also been privy to women who have had and InJoyed the Love of a Lifetime relationship with their men.

I simply took what spoke deeply to me and let the rest go until later.

Men and Women desire the same things just in a different order. And when a man encounters a woman who knows how to fulfill this, well she becomes his Diamond or Apple of his eye and in likewise fashion when a woman encounters a man knows how to fulfill her, well he becomes her Adonis, the Adoration of her eye. It is very much possible to have this and well worth the waiting for.

Our society teaches us that Love is on a timetable truly. Hurry up!! The clock is ticking!! Have that marriage, find that one right away and get on with having the babies. Well, in all honesty if we all were taught from early formative years what a relationship like this looks like, if it had been properly modeled then I truly do believe we would be seeing a huge difference in relationships today.

Ah, what do I know Talker, Julia rambling~ no matter.

Much Love to you today my Beloved Friend,

Julia through the Open door ~

 

[Kadensnga]

Dear Blonde Bunny,

Not much else a person can say other than whats already been said. I wont be long but just something quick here ( a true story) of what helped "me". It's not real spiritual, just practical.

Firstly, yes, you deserve much more for yourself than to be used and hurt.

I guess it was a little over 3 years ago now, though I keep saying "2", because it all seems like yesterday... that my wife and I of 15 years separated, I have never paid much attention to "time" so years tend to run together for me alot ... I often confuse timelines ... more remembering the "times" themselves.

Anyway,

Somewhere in the beginning of the second year, my wife had contacted me and invited me for coffee, as "friends"... I went along, we had a great time...all these old feelings came back... and so we continued this for a few weeks... I was actually starting to think "Hey, we might work this out... maybe there is hope after all this time..." . We kissed and held hands... and she told me that she hadnt even been able to "look" at another man, although I had suspicions about our "mechanic"... and so did some of my friends... I believed her.

She also told me how she was struggling... so every week I would meet her, and I would at the end of each "date" give her a few hundred dollars to help, and on one occasion over 1000, because she said my stepdaughter was in trouble... ( later the step daughter called me and said she never received the money...) but I believed it all, always being one who wants to believe the best in everyone... it was strange to me how she could only meet at "certain times"...

Anyway, one time she didnt show up at the coffee house...so I drove by her ("my") house to see what was the matter, and as I drove up I witnessed her standing in the doorway of what once was my home "kissing the mechanic goodbye" (Dale))!!!! As if sending him off to work... I suppose she was going to meet me afterward.

Oh my God. I stopped my truck in shock and just watched them in my headlights for a second... at first they didnt know it was me, then they both noted me and looked at each other saying "oh shit"! lol ( thank God I can laugh now).

It wasn't as mucha surprise , but more the breaking down of my denial.

Anyway, I just drove away in shock and never said anything to either... then I went back to my apartment and balled my eyes out for a month straight!

I had not cried in a year, since the day I left so indignantly... all the pain was supressed by my love for my children... but now they were gone too..., and I was alone. I had to face some things!

I guess it finally kicked in to me that "yes, I was in denial, and NO she wasnt faithful all this time...", thoughts occurred as flashbacks throughout recent years and I began to put it all together... and suddenly it hurt so bad that I thought I was gonna DIE...

I am telling you that the emptyness in my heart and the hollow feeling in my stomach, seemed like it would never go away. The picture of them kissing, and making love... haunted me everyminute for the next month...

It felt like it would just keep eating me until I was DEAD! Thats how bad it hurt!

I would cry all the way to work and all the way home... I would come home and just take my clothes off wherever I was standing and leave em there, I would bring home food from a drive through and half eat it in tears, and then just leave the left overs sitting wherever they were when I was eating ...

My whole house was a mess... just piling up. I had no heart to even pick up after myself.

THEN... it was news years eve... and here I am in this big apartment alone, with Clothes all over the place, and half eaten sandwiches, and paper bags from all kinds of drive throughs... also department store  bags full of stupid things that werent even "opened" (I started going to department stores and spending money on dumb things to pacify myself...everything from un needed shower curtains, to cds that I would never even open ... to male skin care product lines to make myself look younger... lol)... all kinds of dumb little things... it was strange. I would spend every penny I had, as if that somehow helped... until I ran out of money... then being completely broke... I would starve myself for the rest of the week... with all this stuff surrounding me... I didnt even have the wherewithall to take the stuff back for refunds... I had lost like 30 pounds and was just skin and bones...

It's funny,

I would call my daughter and say "Bubby, I am dying..." She would say what are you doing Dad?  "I am heading to walmart...", it got to be a joke, she would laughingly say "Dont do it dad...turn back, turn back...". Anyway I wouldn't even use the stuff, it was strange, I would just buy it, thinking it would distract me, and then go home and leave it laying on the living room floor while I balled my eyes out some more...

Emotional hurt does strange things to a person.

 Moving on, here it is news years eve, and I have a sink full of dishes to the ceiling... my place was WRECK ... all my friends saying "let's go out" and me saying "I cant go out, I wont have a good time, I will just hold you back..."

Not being a drinker... I decided that new years eve, to get a six pack of "wine coolers" and drink myself into oblivion (yes I know it's funny")...

Here I am and suddenly a friend, an older gentleman I knew who was a neighbor, just walked in my door without knocking ( I guess I had left it cracked open...), and I was sitting at my computer surrounded by empty wine cooler bottles... drunk off my butt from them (maybe "4" lol)... and the moment he walked in he witnessed me typing into the google search engine "My heart is soo broken"

He looks around place, and says "What is going on? This is not you!" Then he says "What are you doing"?
Looking to see what I typed into the search engine... he says "Oh my God. This is bad...you got it bad dont you..." I said "Yes" and started my balling again.

He said "I thought YOU left HER"!

I said yeah I know, but...

then told him the story of how we were supposed to meet for coffee and I saw her kissing Dale in my own doorway... and how he was scratching my Dogs head and watching my TV...and all that sob sob stuff... and how I trusted Dale... and didnt see it coming... and I cant believe how stupid I am...

He said one thing thing that changed my whole life... and I held fast to it... then within another month I understood and I have never had a pain since.

This healthy ole guy was 72 years old, he had alot of fondness for me, and also alot of wisdom...

He said "you got that HOOK in yer belly dontcha"?

I said Yeah... then he described the feeling to a "T", and I knew he had felt it before.

He said "you loved her more than any other woman you have ever loved..." I said "Yeah".

He said, "I got good good news for you". I said "what"?

He said "After this, you will NEVER hurt this bad ever again. You are facing the greatest pain you will ever face in your life..., and you will never quite love or hurt this way again... but the next love will be BETTER because you have been through this, it just wont be able to HURT you". He explained that once you have had the hurt of your life, no other hurt can affect you again like that, and that I was going through a ONCE in a lifetime pain, that would never come back again...".

He said that from now on I would love, but my love would never be co-dependent again... from now on I would get close, but never stand so close to anyone again that my heart could get ripped out like that... he said that this would pass... and that if she truly was my greatest love, then this would be my greatest hurt, and that all other ghurts after that would be like "NOTHING".

My friend, it was true.

I can tell you today, that pain from bad relationships passes no doubt. Today I am SOOOOOO free that I dont even know what to do with all my happiness... much more than I ever had with her.

I promise you this. I will never be hurt again like that... yet I still love, and I am still passionate, just (thank God) less attached.

I can love someone while simultaneously "taking or leaving them". Either way is fine to me...

I learned , from being so attached, how to love without attachment.

I even see the beauty between her and Dale now, and how they are perfect for one another.

THAT MAN WAS right!!!

I hope this helps you in your decisions on how to walk through this painful time.

Once you have been hurt by the Love of you life, then you can never be hurt again. Some may disagree, but that is my experience. When you are going through this ANYTHING can be the thing that helps. Maybe this will be one of those things for you!

As the Prophet says, "if one only wishes for loves bliss, and would not to be strewn about on it's threshing floor and be crushed like grapes, then one is better not to love at all".


In any event, all is appropriate for your growth and you will be fine.

Great Love to you Blonde Bunny

Bare assed Naked, as always,

Brother John


 

[Skyalmian]

Nothing will help to elaborate than to post from my own Journal... Oops, this addendum was meant for the Relationships and Spirituality thread after my post there... D'oh.